Control Fallacies

A control fallacy occurs when we hold two misguided assumptions: that we are completely at the mercy of circumstance, or that we have absolute control over ourselves and others, including their emotions. However, the truth lies somewhere in between. In reality, we have some degree of control over our lives, but not complete control, and we also have some influence over our circumstances, but not total influence. Even in difficult situations with limited options, we still have the power to choose how we respond mentally and emotionally.

Here are some examples of a control fallacy with original and reframed versions of the "should" statements:

• Blaming oneself for someone else's emotions: "I'm a bad partner because my partner is unhappy" (assuming one has complete control over their partner's emotions).
  • Reframe: "I feel concerned about my partner's unhappiness and want to support them, but I recognize that their emotions are their own responsibility."

• Feeling responsible for a natural disaster: "I should have done something to prevent the hurricane from hitting our town" (assuming one has control over natural events).
  • Reframe:"I wish I could have done something to prepare for the hurricane, but I understand that natural disasters are beyond my control."

• Believing one's actions can control someone else's behavior: "If I just do everything my boss asks, they'll definitely promote me" (assuming one has complete control over their boss's decisions).
  • Reframe:"I'll do my best to meet my boss's expectations, but ultimately, their decisions are their own, and I can only control my own actions."

• Feeling guilty for not being able to "fix" a loved one's mental health: "I'm a bad parent because my child is struggling with anxiety" (assuming one has complete control over their child's mental health).
  • Reframe:"I want to support my child in managing their anxiety, but I recognize that their mental health is complex and influenced by many factors beyond my control."

• Assuming one's actions can prevent all negative outcomes: "If I just work harder, I'll never get sick or injured" (assuming one has complete control over their health).
  • Reframe:"I'll take care of my physical and mental health to reduce my risk of illness or injury, but I also acknowledge that some things are outside of my control."

• Believing one is entirely to blame for a relationship ending: "I'm a failure because my relationship ended" (assuming one has complete control over the other person's actions and decisions).
  • Reframe:"The end of my relationship is a complex situation, and I acknowledge that both partners played a role in its outcome."

• Feeling responsible for someone else's success or failure: "I'm the reason my friend didn't get the job" (assuming one has control over the hiring decision).
  • Reframe:"I hope my friend did their best in the job interview, and I'm here to support them regardless of the outcome, but ultimately, the hiring decision is not mine to make."

These examples illustrate how the control fallacy can manifest in different areas of life, leading to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary guilt or anxiety.